INTRODUCTION
During the ages of five to eleven, children are developing their emotional, mental, and moral characteristics, leading to increased social competence. A child does not develop this competence solely on his own, however. The family environment, including relationships with parents, rules, and chores contribute to this development. Other influences, such as friends, church, school, and the media also influence children's growth in this stage.
DESCRIPTION OF A COMPETENT CHILD
Social competence requires not only skills in dealing with other people, but also emotional, mental, and moral capabilities.
SOCIAL TRAITS
Social skills are a vital component of a child's progression towards adolescence. During the period of late childhood, children develop friendship skills by associating with others at school and home. In order to feel accepted and validated, two vital emotional needs of all human beings, children need to acquire skills such as sharing and taking turns. A child who is socially competent will be able to let her friend use a toy she is playing with, and will be able to let other kids be the "finder" in hide-and-seek. Cooperation is necessary for make-believe play; children playing Secret Agents, for example, may give each other separate assignments and contribute their ideas towards a common goal.
Children also need to be able to communicate with others to function in society and have their emotional needs met. When a child is upset, she learns that talking about a problem can help her feel better. She knows how to talk to others and tell them that what they are doing is upsetting her, instead of hitting or screaming like a child in earlier stages would do. In addition, children can describe events and stories much more accurately than at an earlier age.
Social propriety allows children to act appropriately in different social situations, and adapt between these situations more quickly than younger children. For example, a child that makes burping noises at home learns that this behavior is not appropriate in a restaurant, church, or other situations where strangers are present. A child also learns that although yelling is perfectly fine out on the schoolyard, once in the classroom, she needs to sit more quietly.
EMOTIONAL SKILLS
Emotional skills also contribute to a child's growth and progress towards competence. During the ages of five to eleven, children develop self-control, allowing them to act appropriately in social situations. For example, a child may feel angry because another child stole his pencil. If a child has developed self-control, he can talk to the other child or report the incident to a teacher. Otherwise, he may hit the other child or yell loudly. Competent children are also able to adapt their emotional displays to different situations. While it may be all right to jump up and down and shout for joy at home when one is happy, in a classroom a competent child will adapt her response to the situation and smile instead. Another emotional ability that develops during this time is the ability to sense and feel complex emotions. Children can understand that although another child may be happy because he hit a home run, he can also be sad because the ball broke a neighbor's window. Children feel other emotions besides the basic happy, angry, sad, fearful. They can feel love, revenge, forgiveness, and guilt. The understanding of these emotions leads to the development of necessary social abilities such as empathy, sympathy, altruism, and intimacy.
MENTAL ABILITIES
Children also develop many mental abilities at this time. When they develop problem- solving skills, this not only leads them to competence in areas such as math and science, but they can also use these skills in social situations to resolve conflicts with others and challenges in play and everyday life. A child that has problem-solving skills will be able to see that the reason her bike won't move is because the tire is flat. Competent children between these ages also have decision- making skills. They can weigh the advantages and disadvantages of choices and decide which is better based on these objective components. For example, although a child is hungry, he may pick a ten dollar bill over an ice cream cone because he knows that he could buy ice cream with ten dollars and still have money left over.
Children at this age, according to Piaget, will be in the concrete operational stage. This is the stage where logical thought begins, which requires intelligence traits such as conservation of mass, reversible thought, sorting, a theory of mind, and categorization. Children with these skills will be able to sort objects and put them in categories based on different characteristics such as size, color, and shape. They can tell that there is the same amount of water when it is poured from a tall glass into a wide glass.
MORAL CHARACTERISTICS
Moral capabilities also contribute greatly to social competence. The concept of doing something not to get an immediate reward, but because it is "good" underlies much of human action. Children learn to follow rules not because following the rules brings them any personal gain, but because they will be helping society and protecting themselves. For example, competent children follow a rule such as "no running at the pool" not because they will get a treat or it will make them happy, but because they recognize it will protect them and others from being hurt. Other rules, such as "don't lie" help society be a place where people can trust each other. Children develop patriotism because their parents teach them that it is a "good" thing, and that patriotism is the way we express gratitude for our country. Similarly, children learn to work not because it is fun, but to develop skills, earn money, and help others. Religious development also helps a child learn to follow commandments and other rules that will help him become a competent member of society.
FAMILY ENVIRONMENT
The family is one of the biggest influences in a child's life during the late childhood stage. Relationships, rules, chores, and a proper balance between these three elements all contribute to a child's social competence.
RELATIONSHIPS
A loving, positive relationship between parents and a child helps the child feel emotionally secure which, in turn, fosters competence. When parents spend time with a child, he will feel like he is worth something and that his parents really care about him. In addition, parents can hardly expect to teach their children by example or precept if they are never with their children! I remember when I was a child that my mom was always there when I came home from school. She would encourage me to invite a friend over or read a book, thus giving me opportunities for social and mental growth. Communication is also an important element. Parents, by talking to their children about emotions and situations, teach their children to be emotionally honest and thus more competent. In addition, when parents are honest with their children, children learn to trust their parents, allowing them to teach children more effectively. Affection also helps children trust their parents and feel accepted. Whenever I felt sad as a child, my mother would notice and would give me a hug and encourage me to talk about my feelings. She made me feel understood and accepted, helping me to gain self-esteem and therefore emotional competence. If she hadn't talked to me and showed me affection, I would have ended up suppressing my emotions, leading to depression and a lack of self- esteem.
Parents must also take advantage of teaching opportunities. Obviously, without spending time with their child, parents will never encounter any teaching opportunities. If children do not trust their parents, teaching them won't do any good. But, with a relationship of trust, parents can explain situations and emotions to help teach their child. When I was growing up, one of my friends wanted to watch Beverly Hills 90210, but her mom did not think that was an appropriate T.V. show. Rather than forbid her daughter from watching the show and thus also reducing her daughter's trust in her, my friend's mother watched the show with her and then talked about it, using the events in the show as teaching experiences.
RULES
Appropriate family rules can also contribute to competence. To become a competent member of society, children must learn to follow many kinds of rules – laws of the land, commandments of their church, and rules of a school. Having rules in the home helps children realize the importance of rules which will help them follow other rules later. However, if these rules are arbitrary, children will be more likely to rebel against both home rules and societal mores. Therefore, to promote competence, parents should involve children in making rules and let them know why rules exist. For example, once I was jumping on my bed and fell off and knocked my teeth out on the toy box. From then on, my parents have used that example as a powerful reason not to jump on beds. My mom felt like we were spending too much time playing on the computer. As a family, we discussed the problem and we all decided that limiting computer game time to one hour a day would help solve the problem. This helped me see a purpose in rules, which has helped me to follow other laws of society as I've grown older.
CHORES
Family chores can cultivate many competency characteristics in children. Children must cooperate with parents and other siblings to get jobs done, and they also learn to finish chores they start and report honestly on their work. For example, when my siblings and I would wash the dishes together, we developed better relationships together and learned to divide the workload appropriately and cooperate. Our parents would pay us for many chores, and if we did not do them well, we would not get paid. This helped us learn how important it is to be dependable and responsible, and what work is like in the real world. It also helped us to learn how to manage money. If children only play and never learn to work, they may not learn how to be dependable and responsible, as these are skills practiced in the home in chores. On the other hand, too many or overly difficult chores may discourage a child and prevent them from participating in play that also is an important factor in their development.
However, any of these aspects alone – chores, rules, and relationships -- will not promote competence. Rules without a good relationship may lead to rebellion and a lack of emotional maturity. Chores without a relationship behind them may make children feel resentful and overworked. Overall, parents should remember that the relationship with their children is the most important thing. If a child breaks a rule or forgets to complete a chore, screaming at the child may establish the importance of the rule, but will also break down the relationship. Calmly talking with the child and gently but firmly reaffirming the need for rules and chores will preserve both the relationship and the importance of rules and chores in the home.
OUTSIDE INFLUENCES
Although the influence of the home cannot be underestimated, it is not the only factor in a child's development. Friends, the media, school, and church also contribute to a child's competency. For example, a friend who doesn't understand the importance of following rules may convince a child who normally does follow rules to break them in order to gain social acceptance. Similarly, a friend who is calm and not easily excited may help a rambunctious child to control his emotions. Television, magazines, and radio can also influence child's beliefs and abilities. A child that watches "Bill Nye the Science Guy" every day like I did may gain an increased appreciation and knowledge for science and math. However, a girl who always sees headlines in women's magazines such as "10 Ways to Smooch Your Man," "Does He Like Me? Find out With our Simple Test," and "Lose 20 pounds in 2 weeks!" may begin to believe that women exist only to look thin and pretty and to please men. It is even possible for these influences to overcome family influences if children do not feel emotionally secure at home. Teachers and classmates may help increase a child's competence through learning experiences, but mean children can decrease a child's self-esteem and thus also stunt his emotional progress. Church members can provide good examples for children to look up to and emulate, or they can lead a child to become cynical because of hypocrisy or insecure due to a lack of acceptance. In each case, parents must be aware of these possibly iatrogenic influences.
CONCLUSION
Although there are many influences that parents cannot fully control, such as those at school, church, from friends, and in the media, by creating a loving, trusting, communicative environment at home, bad influences can be minimized. If children feel they can come and talk to their parents about conflicting things they have learned at church or school, the experience will then not be one that stunts their growth, but instead one that promotes their competence. By establishing good relationships, and appropriate chores and rules, parents can help their children develop the mental, emotional, social, and moral skills necessary for social competence.